FimFiction Link - Short ID: 465313/freeze
Published: Apr '20
How come almost every horror one-shot is terrible, but they're terrible in a way that could be easily be fixed with a bit of restructuring?
Just a bit of editing could have made "Freeze" more consistent and enjoyable--which is hilarious, considering there were 8 editors, though I suppose since it was written for a contest, they didn't want to tell the author to rewrite it--instead of it being just ok.
The story starts with Apple Bloom having a very vivid dream. She wakes up while a blizzard is going over Ponyville and sees a light in the clubhouse and someone calling her name. After hurriedly making her way there, she finds a hurt Scootaloo who can't move and will soon freeze to death. Apple Bloom helps her stand and they make their way back to the farmhouse, but it turns out "Scootaloo" was actually a nonspecified monster that tears AB's throat and immediately wakes her up.
She's very shaken, but it's all pushed aside when she sees a light in the clubhouse and someone calling her name. After hurriedly making her way there, she finds a hurt Scootaloo who can't move and will soon freeze to death. She's about to help her when she remembers the dream. Well, no creepy, pointy teethed monster is going to fool her twice so she runs back to the farmhouse, feeling the creature right behind her.
And then it turns out it was really Scootaloo! Applejack comes back a bit later in the morning, crying because they found Scootaloo's frozen corpse in the clubhouse.
Then, later that night, Apple Bloom sees the creature in the edge of the forest, smiling at her before it flies back into the everfree! And now she hears her name and green sparks coming from the clubhouse...
I really felt there should've been a twist to this other than "Once more, but for real this time!", even if you completely ignore where Luna is during all this. I was really expecting there to be something more to it. Anything other than the most obvious path.
I still have to wonder what was the significance of having a dream and then have reality play out in the same way. The creature already has Scootaloo, so it obviously wants to lure Apple Bloom. Or maybe it wants to do a Pennywise and make her stew in her own fear so she tastes better, but at that point I'm just projecting things into the story.
Hell, I think that if you cut that initial dream and just work on really getting the tone and mood of Apple Bloom going to the clubhouse and sensing something's wrong and then leaving Scoots to die because she got too scared, you could do something more interesting.
Anyhoot. It's not worth it. There are better horror one-shots out there, and that says enough.