FimFiction Link - Short ID: 308906/somethings-always-watching
Published: Mar '16
Something's Always Watching is a 2,1k word Horror Mystery. There's something out there, alright. And it's watching all the time.
One morning, Twilight wakes up and everypony is missing. Nobody is in Ponyville, Canterlot, or anywhere else. Not even animals. The Sun and the Moon keep cycling and the weather seems normal. To keep her sanity while she investigates, she keeps a journal.
I think everything I can say about this story can be summarised by this part early on:
"Note: From now on I'll be using Ellipses’ vocal inscription spell to record my entries. For those of you that don't know, it's a spell that animates a quill or pen to write down the words that you say aloud; meaning I won't need to stop what I'm doing to write anything down. The spell is flawed however, in that it can pick up background voices and write words you never said, but seeing as I'm alone that shouldn't be a problem."
Why, in the name of all that is good, would you telegraph the developments that hard. Now I'm not going to be even remotely disturbed once that happens.
Also, formatting sidenote. Since [hr] generates this big double line with three asterisks instead of a plain line, it makes the break for the spoopy messages more notorious.
Fleeting Light in the Dark did this with white text that wouldn't show up by default. That was creepy if you noticed, but it was inobtrusive and didn't call attention to it if you didn't. This is just too much. I feel the story actively worked against itself to set up a spooky atmosphere with this kind of stuff.
And that's it. The monster tries to break down the door and Twilight leaves a last message asking for help. Quite underwhelming. Don't bother.